The Stages of a Relationship & When is it Okay to Say “I Love You”

I’ll start off by answering the second part of our subject material here. While there is no “right” time to state the words “I love you”, there is a wrong time. You will realize when the "wrong" time is after reading this blog.

Let me preface this by saying I have years of experience behind me in the study of relationships and the science behind love. I’ve read several journals that breakdown the theories of intimacy, triangular theory of love, relationships and attachment theories. In addition, I’ve read a plethora of blogs regarding various scholars’ views on relationship stages. The foundation of the information in this blog comes from my own experience and learned knowledge over the years. This blog consists of my own interpretation of the various stages in a relationship. 

The Relationship Stages

1.    The Infatuation Stage: Nearly every scholar and professional agrees that the infatuation stage is the first stage; nothing comes before this stage. This is the stage in which your euphoria is at its highest. Your body has started producing high levels of endorphins, which will make you feel unusually happy and in bright spirits all of a sudden. You will find yourself extremely attracted to the person and desiring intimacy quite frequently. You’ll want to spend a majority of your time with the person and you’ll find nearly every waking moment with that person enjoyable. While you experience moments of intense happiness, you may also experience moments of fear and you’ll find yourself asking questions like “is this real?”, “will this go away?”, “Are they really into me?”, “Am I really into them?”, “Do I love them?”, etc. However, one thing remains true in this stage and that is that your partner can do no wrong.

2.    The Conception Stage: This is really the “birth” of the relationship in my opinion. In this stage you’ll amass a wealth of knowledge about your partner. You’ll begin to get more of an understanding of the person, their background, their family life, who their friends are, what they like to do, commonalities and you’ll figure out if this romantic connection has the potential for long-term or short-term relationship. However, it goes beyond your mental state of mind; your body is still producing a large amount of endorphins in this stage. It’s this stage where you will fall in love with the person. Limerence is at its highest in this stage. You can’t imagine life without the person in this stage. You are happier than you’ve ever been in this stage. The relationship seems completely conceivable and maybe it is. You’ll realize that you have several commonalities and ask yourself “Are we the same person?” You tend to look beyond all their flaws and only see the good in them. Any type of conflict in this stage is seen as detrimental (but it's not) to the relationship. However that’s only due to a sudden shift in feelings. It’s important to know that conflict will/can arise in any stage of the relationship and knowing how to communicate with the person is vital.

3.    The Disclosure Stage: I call this the disclosure stage because this is the stage in which you really give your partner full disclosure and when your partner is a in more relaxed state allowing himself or herself to give full disclosure as well. You may begin to notice some annoying habits that your partner has. You may begin to disagree more and you may even experience something deceitful at this stage.  There is no way for your body to continually produce the amount of endorphins it was in the beginning of your relationship so the euphoria begins to subside. Aspects of the relationship become a bit more “serious.” Maybe your partner wasn’t full forthcoming in the beginning of the relationship but now feels comfortable doing so. It’s of utmost importance in this stage that communication and conflict resolution is done so effectively between each other. One should be as open and honest as possible in this stage because if you can make it through this stage with full self-disclosure and minimal unresolved conflicts, you’re pretty good to go for the following stages.

(TIP: In this stage it’s important that you engage in meaningful activities. While you may share many commonalities, you may also have things that each of you like individually. There might even be something that your partner wants to do (i.e. go on a hike) that you feel would not interest you; try it. You have to both be willing to at least experience the other person’s interests. Who knows, you could end up really liking it yourself. However, the important thing here is to keep engaged and try new things with your partner. You’ll create memories that will last a lifetime.)

4.    The Reality Stage: While many like to refer to this as the disillusionment stage, I refer to it as the “reality” stage. To say that one will experience disillusionment is rather pessimistic. This could actually be a very positive stage in the relationship but we must take into consideration the events that occurred in the previous stages. One thing is true in this stage; the endorphins your body was producing in previous stages are almost completely gone at this point. You have both settled into your roles as a couple in this stage. You most likely have made future plans and arguments are not out of the norm. Psychologists unanimously agree that arguments are healthy and actually help to mold a more positive relationship (if resolved). There may be some worry about whether or not you chose the right partner but this is due to our natural defense mechanisms. We’re worried we may have made the wrong choice and want to be assured by our partner that we haven’t.

5.    The Reactionary Stage: It’s in this stage that more of the conflict might occur. This is possibly one of the most difficult stages to make it through as you start to feel as though you’ve lost your individuality and seek to gain it back. You might feel yourself competing with your partner, struggling to prove your worth to your partner, power struggle issues become more prevalent here and doubt is at its highest. Differences can help the relationship grow but it can also hinder it. Sex It’s at this point in the relationship that trust, self-disclosure, communication and support (from each other) are of extreme importance. If you still are unable to resolve conflicts, communicate effectively and see past your differences, the relationship is most likely doomed. If you can’t resolve issues on your own, couples therapy may be necessary.

6.    The Cognizance Stage: I call it this because it’s at this stage that you’ve reached a milestone in the relationship; you finally have clarity of what this relationship is. You’ve overcome some serious hurdles and you’ve come to a peaceful place. This is the stage where partners usually decide to marry each other. Based upon the attachment theory, a happy couple should have positive views of each other and feel comfortable with intimacy and dependency. You become very happy in this stage because the war is finally over and you both accept each other for who each other is. You no longer distort the image of the person or project upon the person. You see them as they are and love them for being that person. You realize that you may have future conflicts but you know how to resolve them with better perfection. You see the relationship as something that has the potential to last a lifetime in this stage. You both realize that you have the power to make changes and can do so if you’re both willing to work at it together.

7.    The Unconditional Stage: This, to me, is the final stage in the relationship. It’s at this point you both completely trust each other, love each other, know everything about each other and realize that your love is not only deep, but unconditional. Research suggests that in all theories of relationship stages a very low percentage of people actually make it to the final stage. However, that should not disillusion anyone reading this as there are hundreds of thousands of couples that have lived long, happy, successful, prosperous and adventurous lives together. It's all about making the key fit the socket, if you connect on a level that transcends typical connections then you've met the one.

Successful relationships all have a few things in common; there’s full disclosure, trust, a friendship on top of the intimate relationship, comfortability in independence, comfortability in intimacy, commonalities, excellent communication, understanding and support. If you have all of these in your relationship, you’re well on your way to a very happy and long-lasting relationship.

-Christopher M.

MA in Clinical Psych, New School

MSW Program at Fordham

  

The Ethereal Path

The Ethereal Path

By Christopher M.

The feeling in my gut,

Before ascending through the brume,

Of which I’m sure will abscond soon,

Is not without its glow,

And not without its gloom.

The uncertain path ahead,

Is affluent with hindrances.

Where miners seek diamonds,

And beggars seek aliment;

I seek the ethereal.

I may kick over the traces,

And keep my language abstruse,

I may put on disparate faces,

But while my qualms will wade,

I’ll never lie to you.

And when our hearts are pure,

And no longer caliginous,

We’ll rake over the coals,

With fires in our souls;

Becoming to each other indigenous. 

The Advent Of Amour

Oh how jocular the sky,

When light is found,

Through a sea of cries,

Where the destitute are bound,

And mirthful am I,

There is not a sound,

Just a reflection in the sky;

a face that will not frown.

We walk in rounds,

While actions entangle,

We entertain clowns,

Until we find the triangle,

Having paraded through towns,

Where jesters just dangle,

But finally on the ground,

Love becomes a blissful strangle.

But for me, the prize is worth the perdition,

Only martyrs imply a ceaseless mission.

-Christopher M.

Why Do So Many Men Put Sex Before A Relationship?

Why is it that so many gay men put such a strong emphasis on sex before really getting to know a person?

While it's flattering to have a man have such strong physical desires to be with you in an intimate manner, I'm not sure it's good to put such an emphasis on sex before really getting to know a person. Intimacy is something that takes time to develop, yet we rush ourselves into this stage by trying to bypass other necessary steps like the building of interdependence between each other, the development of trust, the goal of full disclosure, etc. There's no rule book which states that you must NOT have sex before entering into a relationship but is it really the best idea to do something that some of us might value a bit more than others? 

Sex is a primal human instinct but if you really feel that you care to get to know someone better you should probably be a bit more conscious of your desire and put it to the wayside until you feel they are ready for that type of intimacy within the relationship. Some of us desire, for lack of words, intellectual intercourse rather than sexual intercourse. Sex is great and important in a relationship but becoming closer with a potential suitor is more important to me personally.  

Remember that sex is everywhere. You can get it at almost any time of any day. You can devalue it all you want or you can let it devalue you. You can have sex prior to a relationship and probably still have a relationship depending on the synchronicity between the parties involved. You can have sex at any age. You can make the decision to be promiscuous or keep sex more sacred. 

You can't meet an amazing person any day. You can't build trust with a person instantly. You won't go up to a stranger and give them full disclosure. You won't meet a potential lover every day. You won't get to always share those amazing moments with someone you really care about. You won't always get that person that really wants to know who you are inside and out. 

When you do meet that person that wants to ask you questions, learn about you, smile at you, be patient with you, compliment you, give you full disclosure, tell you their secrets but not take your clothes off right away....be happy about it. That's a very rare diamond in the rough. 

-Chris Ryan

Learning To Apologize

It's never easy to apologize and admit that you were in the fault; sometimes we make mistakes. There's certain things we do that we can't always take back in life. Sometimes those mistakes are made towards the people we care about. I can't take back my mistakes but I can at least admit to them and let the people I care about know how sorry I am for ever hurting them. Even someone with a master's degree in clinical psychology and many credits towards their PhD isn't always able to practice the knowledge they have attained. I know what's right but in certain settings my rationality may get clouded. This is likely to happen with anyone in certain environments.

Apologizing has always been difficult for me because my pride and righteousness have come in the way. When I know I've hurt the person, I will do my best to overcome my ego and admit my wrongdoing. There are always reasons for what we do; unfortunately people aren't always willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. In the age of haste we live in a society where people are impatient and unwilling to give numerous chances. If I care about a person, I'm willing to give many as long as I see they make an effort to change. I think we should all learn to be more patient and forgiving.

We can't all be perfect. We can't all apologize. We can't all be your ideal person. We can't always give you everything you want. We can always try though. If you find someone that is willing to try to be all those things, catch them and keep them.

-Christopher M. 

It's like Elton John says, "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word"

Self-Sabotage: A Battle with the Subconscious

Self-Sabotaging behavior is a hidden danger that exists within the subconscious of the human psyche. Sometimes people mistake valid concerns with is what is actually self-sabotaging behavior. It seems unlikely that people would intentionally ruin their potential for happiness in life, especially in the case of their own relationships with people. However, it's not recognized by the person committing the act of self-sabotage. We often don't blame ourselves for our mistakes in life because our ego is actively protecting us from doing so. We prefer to put the blame on others rather than own up to our own mistakes. We all have defense mechanisms that we use to protect ourselves and create rationalizations for otherwise irrational decisions.

In order to overcome self-sabotaging behavior the individual  first needs to set out malleable goals for themselves. You can't have goals that exceed your own abilities. For example, certain individuals believe they are ready to take on a fully-committed relationship, marriage, etc. and find out that they are not prepared at all.  This is when the self-sabotaging behavior comes into action and the defense mechanism starts turning.  A classic example of this is when the person you're dating starts putting the blame on you for things that are completely out of your control or completely irrational.

Second, the individual needs to be aware of what their unique defense mechanism is. You can see a list of the most common ones here: http://goo.gl/U8yzh . Identifying the defense mechanism is the first thing an individual needs to do in the actual battle to stop this damaging subconscious behavior.

Third, the individual needs to adopt some type of goal-oriented philosophy in life that will lead them to a more rational lifestyle. One should write their short-term and long-term goals down and look at them every day. A mind-map is a great way of plotting out your life goals.

In the end, the biggest triumph will be overcoming your own ego. Your ego is very powerful and looks to protect you. Overcoming the ego is quite difficult and usually requires the assistance of a trained professional.

-Christopher M. 

OBAMA Re-Elected For Second Term 11/6/12

I'll be the first to admit that I don't get as excited as some of my colleagues for politics however there was something very different about this year. As I get older I start to see just how important it is that we concern ourselves with American politics and the state of our nation. While we all have issues that mean more to us than others, it's important that we concern ourselves with all the issues because while many of the issues on the ballot don't mean anything to us now, they will to us in the future. Change needs to start now in order for anything to actually CHANGE.

Obama has been re-elected for another 4 year term. While our nation still needs an overhaul and the deficit needs to be amended, I am optimistic we will see our president make serious strides within the next 4 years. I truly believe we will see our nation grow, the economy prosper, healthcare amended, continued push for equality in our community, a decision on social security (good or bad) and hopefully the this wounded animal known as DEMOCRACY healed.

I am PROUD to be an AMERICAN!

-Chris Ryan

The Paranormal: What's Real?

The paranormal is not an easy subject to research by any means. I scoured news articles, the Internet, people's stories, documentaries, etc. for hours and have come up with nothing but conflicting research. If there is a science for the paranormal it is one that has not yet been perfected by any means. In the end it's what we believe. There are skeptics and true believers. I'm going to discuss a few areas of the paranormal; you decide what you feel is real.

Ghosts

I have my own personal doubts when it comes to ghosts.  I have to question why ghosts are allergic to crowds? Why there aren't many friendly ghosts? Why they like to visit only certain places? And why people don't question any of this? However, I said I have my doubts. I'm not 100% set on the fact that they don't exist even though I've never seen any scientific evidence. Can science really prove they exist? I'm not sure science can.  I think this goes beyond science to be honest.  The theory or relativity explains endless possibilities that Einstein laid out for the scientific community.  We recently discovered that Einstein may have not been right about what he said and disproving the fundamentals of physics.  We can't say that ghosts are not real, but we can't say they are.

Ghosts are defined as the souls or spirits of a deceased person that manifests itself in human form or some other manifestation.  Many believers have claimed to have seen ghosts and even some have snapped photographs that they believe are authentic ghosts captured on film.  Some have even claimed to capture photographs on video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvKZPA8wFPc ). Many photos/videos have been disproved and there are only a handful that cannot be explained.  The following photograph is called "Brown Lady of Raynham Hall" and it is one that has not been disproved or explained yet:

Brown Lady of Raynham Hall

My Family Ghost Story

When I was 8 years old I was living in a house in Rockleigh, NJ. The house was a rather old house and in a very, very safe area that had no crime rate whatsoever.  My father, mother, sister and I lived in the house for only a year.  However, there were some weird happenings in the house that we were never able to explain.  

One night while laying on the top bunk of my bunk bed, with my sister on the bottom bunk, my sister awoke me after having come back from the kitchen extremely frightened.  My sister shook me, screaming as she did.  My sister told me that there was a man with a green shirt, long black hair and an object in his hand standing in our living room.  Our living room was entered through a door-less opening from the kitchen.  It was rather dark at night in the living room but the moon shown through the sliding glass doors usually which helped to illuminate anything that might have been there.  My sister said the reason she went to the kitchen was because the water was running rather loudly.  She said the man stood there and moved his arm slightly but then she ran immediately to wake me.  I went out to my parents room with her, we awoke them and brought them to the kitchen/living room.  The water was on (very weird) but there was no one there and no one had unlocked the doors.  I passed off the story as my sister was dreaming or she saw something that wasn't there.  The next day I went to school.  I sat down in my seat for class next to my best friend at the time, Leah.  Leah looked upset and scared.  I asked Leah was was wrong to which she replied "I'm scared, I had something weird happen to me in my house last night." I was a bit startled and afraid to ask at this point.  I asked Leah what happened and Leah said "I heard someone downstairs from my room really late at night, I got up to go see what was going on downstairs because I thought my mom was asleep.  I started to walk down the stairs and the noise stopped. I peaked down and saw a someone with long black hair and a green shirt, they were holding something too, I didn't see their face though. I woke up my mom and we went downstairs together but the doors were locked and no one was there." My mouth literally dropped.  Leah had no contact with my sister (my sister was younger). Leah had no idea what had happened in our house last night as she had no way of knowing.  To this day no one can explain what happened that night and since then I've been a believer that the paranormal may exist.  

Are ghosts real? It's what we make of the situations we experience and hear.  There is NO scientific evidence of ghosts but as I've said I'm not sure there can be. Here's a site that explains some of the ghost photographs that we typically see online: http://www.ghostresearch.org/ghostpics

My own experience of Astral Projection

I, myself, have projected astrally before.  Whether it had been a dream or figment of my imagination it was extremely (and frightening) real.  I laid in my bed one night and went to sleep.  A few hours later I found myself awake.  I was outside my body and looking in my room. I could see myself asleep but I saw things in my room that didn't quite look the same as when I left.  I then saw a weird figure enter my room. It was at this point that I opened my eyes in my real body but laid paralyzed in bed.  I could not move but I still saw this creature coming toward me. At the top of my lungs (and I tried hard for a while) I was able to finally scream and my father entered the room.  Nothing was there obviously but it had been the most real experience of my life.  I have had 2 others since then, but nothing as frightening as that. 

U.F.O.'s  & Aliens

UFO's are REAL. Why? Because there are certain objects that we have seen in the sky that we cannot explain. No, they are not all flying saucers!! There are objects that have been tested by the government and objects that we can't explain fly overhead.  Let's take this footage that is claimed to be authentic (but unexplained, of course): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiEzWHVZskk

There are all those claims that UFO's were discovered around AREA 51. Well guess what? That's true because the military was testing new aircraft's for their own use.  People that saw these couldn't explain what they were.  However, no one at Area 51 has yet either. 

The strangest evidence (and most credible) comes from that of professional Astronauts. During Apollo 11 astronauts saw a UFO flying close to their rocket in an intelligent flight pattern.  They reported this back to NASA.  No one could explain what the astronauts saw, but said that one should take it very seriously considering these are trained professionals who actually saw a UFO in space!

This site lists the 5 pieces of evidence that suggest extraterrestrial life is real: http://www.paranormalhaze.com/5-pieces-of-evidence-that-suggests-intelligent-alien-life-exists

The thought that we are the only ones in this astronomically large universe is pretty ridiculous if you ask me.  I'm not suggesting there is factual evidence of intelligent life beyond us but maybe the life out there is in another galaxy and they are incapable of reaching us yet like we are of reaching other galaxies.  If they are able to reach us, maybe they are scared to identify themselves.  Let's turn the tables. If we went to another planet and knew there was life on it, I think we would be scared to approach it in fear of how that life might respond to us.  Most likely if we saw an alien walking toward us we would react very adversely.  

Bigfoot, Lochness & the Yeti

Unfortunately there are so many spoof videos and photographs on these "monsters" that we really have no way of knowing if they are real or fake.  There have been very few images and/or evidence that can't be explained somehow.  However, the Yeti holds most credible of the three monsters.  Wildlife expert, Sir David Attenbourough, to this day believes the Yeti exists.  A photographed footprint taken in 1951 shows this:

This is an authentic footprint found at 19,000 ft. 

Sketch of a Yeti seen recently roaming the Himalayas

The hair specimen found from the footprint proved that it was not that of a bear but of an ape like animal.  That evidence is pretty conclusive and holds merit.  

Bigfoot has been taken in several photographs which usually end up being a man/woman in an ape costume.  One dressed up as Bigfoot was even shot and killed! The only film that has been widely contested is this one of Roger Patterson's taken in 1967: http://paranormal.about.com/od/bigfootsasquatch/youtube/yt_patterson_bf.htm

Here's the photograph to accompany that: 

Photograph of a Bigfoot in 1967 (real or fake?)

To date there has been no DNA evidence to prove than any of the footprint samples or hair samples are that of a an ape-like creature. 

The Lochness monster is claimed to be real in this video: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x89u9k_paranormal-tv-best-photo-evidence-o_shortfilms

However, many scientists are very skeptical of this evidence.  Many claim the photographs could be doctored. There are many photos including this one that have proven real:

Photo of The Champ Monster (Lake Champlain)

ESP

The most conclusive test done on ESP was that of psychologist Daryl Bern, a professor at Cornell and very respected psychologist.  He ran an experiment that tested people's abilities to see in the future by showing people digital images (mainly non-erotic) and then popping some erotic pictures in the mix.  Students were able to guess when the erotic pictures would show up 53.1% of the time. There are many reasons why this experiment may not have worked though.  And there is no conclusive evidence that ESP is real or not real.  More information from that study here: http://healthland.time.com/2011/01/12/wait-esp-is-real/

Many believe that there are talented psychics that can see into the future and hold what we call "precognition." While there are many skeptics who believe it's all just a lucky guess. My question is: if there are real psychics why are they not working for the government? Military? Or WEATHER CHANNEL? I mean seriously. 

And Harvard scientists have claimed to rule out that ESP does NOT exist with this study here: http://www.science20.com/news_releases/is_esp_real_harvard_scientists_say_they_have_settled_the_debate

Well I've written enough here.  It's time for YOU TO WRITE YOUR STORIES! Please, I'd love to hear if you have any evidence or even just your stories!

-Chris Ryan

Why I Became A Vegetarian

I've been asked this question quite frequently lately and there are a few reasons for me becoming a vegetarian. Today marks 1 month of vegetarianism for me and this ranks as one of the top five best choices I've made in my life.

For 17 years I never ate red meat or fish. I didn't eat red meat because I simply never liked the taste and part of me always felt bad about the slaughter of cows.  I stopped eating fish because of two incidents that caused me to become violently ill when I was younger from the consumption of fish.

This year I made the decision to become fully vegetarian and now vegan. Aside from the obvious health reasons for becoming a vegetarian, I will not support farming corporations that accept the unethical treatment of farm animals who's quality of life is absolutely disgusting. CFE's (Common Farming Exemptions) basically state that if I have a cow as a pet I can't do any harm to it, but if I intend to sell the cow for food I can torture it as much as I want. This is the sick practice that is happening in America every day and our government allows it. We are allowing farmers to get away with these types of practice that only look to harm animals, slaughter them and then sell it to us for food. On top of that, often times the meat is very unclean and handled poorly. Chicken's beaks are seared off while they are still alive most of the time, animals are castrated without the use of an anesthetic, pigs are beaten, cows are tortured and all of this is allowed to happen because of CFE's.

I watched a food documentaries and read a lot of material regarding this matter.  Food Inc. was a documentary that really struck me. I highly suggest you watch it to find out where the food you consume every day comes from. The full documentary can be found here: Food Inc.


In becoming a vegetarian I had to re-think my entire diet and start buying products that would allow for me to get all the vitamins and minerals I needed. I also had to consider where I was getting my protein from. There are several alternative sources for protein as you'll see here: http://vegetarian.about.com/od/healthnutrition/tp/protein.htm

Being a vegetarian has been very easy for me. I've now been a vegetarian for 9 months. I do not miss meat at all and never ever plan to go back to eating meat or anything else that comes from an animal. I'm not trying to push this on others but I do suggest you at least take a look at the information that's out there. The information changed my mind, maybe it will yours.

-Chris Ryan

Can't We Be Friends? And Just Friends?

It seems that finding someone who just wants to employ a platonic friendship is harder and harder nowadays. While I would like to direct this topic to heterosexuals as well as homosexuals, I really only have complete insight into homosexual friendships.

Over the past few weeks I've noticed more than ever that homosexuals are intent on hooking up with the friends they find themselves attracted to and even some of the friends they have no attraction to. I'm forced to question why this happens so often in our community. Does it change the parameters of the friendship? Does it mess the friendship up?

I'd like to say that it doesn't, but it seems that sometimes it does. Obviously maturity is a big part of moving the relationship from platonic to intimate but you have to be conscious of when the right time is for that discussion. I don't believe that the discussion should come early on in the friendship unless the purpose of your meeting was to evolve into something more intimate. However, I do believe that the best relationships form from friendships first. You do have to be friends in order to be lovers.  It's far too often that the mistake of becoming lovers before friends occurs resulting in inevitable disaster.

Is it possible though to put aside your feelings or your lustful desires to be just friends with someone that you meet? Is alcohol always an excuse? Do the risks of catching STD's matter to anyone anymore?  Does anyone realize that they might be leading someone on by hooking up with them?

Think about this: think about how many friends have you made in the past 6 months and compare that to how many hookups you've had. Did you make more friends or did you have more casual sexual encounters? If it was the latter, well then maybe you should reconsider what you're doing. In the end friends are going to bring you so much more satisfaction and joy than casual hookups with potential friends. Sure, you might become friends from it and form a deep and lasting bond, but the likelihood of that is uncertain and most of the time you just make the friendship awkward.

The loneliest people spend their time making ambiguous, meaningless encounters. If you build more platonic friendships, the love can become endless.

-Chris Ryan

Technology Makes Monogamy More Difficult. Period.

Stating that technology makes monogamy more difficult is a bold statement to make. However, in this day and age it's simply FACT. Technology makes monogamy more difficult, and for some impossible. We live in a world where sex is at our fingertips and we really don't even have to think about who we like anymore, we're given blatant suggestions as to who we might like. I'm going to break it down a bit and put it in laymen terms here based on what I know.

Facebook

It's now listed in 1 out of every 3 divorce paper filings as a reason, or part of the reason, for divorce. That's a strong example of why technology is a major part of the reason for divorce. Many will tell you that Facebook doesn't incite cheating, but that's simply not true. Facebook makes it easier than ever to reconnect with old flings, "poke" potential interests, add suggested "hot" members of Facebook, stare at the sexy pictures of members posing shamelessly with little clothing on, respond to suggestive messages from other members, etc. However, in the end it is your decision to cheat or not to cheat but we are tempted worse than Adam was by Eve with several fruits to poison the relationships with our current partners. No one will admittedly say that Facebook could tempt him or her into cheating because that would show weakness on his or her part. Think about it though, if you got messaged from an extremely attractive person on Facebook while you were in another city and they stated that they were staying in the same hotel as you, how likely would you be to resist the urge? Had you not had Facebook, would have it have been easier to avoid the likely situation? I'm not saying that everyone in relationships should give up Facebook, but rather think about how to avoid potential disasters in relationships. Many platonic relationships begin on Facebook, but that doesn't mean that they will stay platonic. Sometimes connections grow stronger and become more intimate as a result of the platonic relationship that began because of Facebook.

Grindr

Should we even own this app if we're in a relationship? I know many people in their profiles specifically state that they are in a relationship. They will even tell you that they are only looking for friends. However how many people actually read your entire profile? How many start the conversation off with a more platonic, "get to know you" topic? I find more often than not, even the most committed of people on Grindr will stray when they are 1. Horny 2. Drunk 3. In an argument with their partner. I will say it again though, the gun is in your hand, and you make the choice to pull the trigger. My guess is that most boyfriends would not want their boyfriend on Grindr. Let's face it, most people are not looking for friends via Grindr; and if they are, then they are not very good at socializing in person.

Cheating in the 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's...

It was much harder for someone to blatantly cheat without the use of the gadgets we have today. People had to go out after work to a bar and go through the effort of talking to someone, hoping that their partner's friends weren't around, making the next move and then finding a place (other than their own home) to take that person. A man might have stayed late after work with his secretary in hopes of a sexual affair, but the likelihood of these events occurring was rather unlikely. There were no 'easy' means of cheating for anyone back then. Divorce rates are higher today, there must be a correlation between that and technology and as we see from the article above, it's true.

There's an inherent disconnect between a screens that's caused by chatting via a technological device. This disconnect causes an array of problems. It's easier than ever to find out the size of someone's member with a few simple questions. For example, If I go on and tell someone that I'm 10", they are most likely going to want to "see" and most likely going to want to then "touch." This goes back to the biblical story of Adam and Eve. Eve tempted Adam with an apple and he bit. As much as I hate to reference biblical stories, this one in particular is important in the scheme of things. We are all at the helm of our ships. Therefore, we decide the next move.

So what's the answer? It's simple. If you're in love with a person, you probably won't cheat. There will most likely come a time later in the relationship where you will want to explore other people. If you're not in love, you will cheat. You have the gun. Therefore, you pull the trigger. However, technology is helping to "push your finger."

-Chris Ryan