Now let me preface this blog by saying this is NOT a blog about my experiences or anyone I know. This is a blog about the reality of monogamy. And the reality is; it does not exist within a long term context. There is short term monogamy. I think we need to clearly define each of these so that we can change the current climate of monogamous couples. It's not a bad thing, nor a good thing for our future. It's just the current climate (if not past, and probably future state) of the times.
Monogamy refers to a form of marriage in which an individual has only one spouse at any one time. However, monogamy may also refer to the more general state of having only one mate at any one time and as such may be applied to the social behavior of some animals.
If I were to go on the street and ask people how many people they know to have been completely monogamous their entire lives, I'm sure I would meet VERY few people that could say that they have. And even if someone did say, "well my parents or my grandparents have been monogamous their entire lives", how would they really know that to be 100% true? Monogamy may have existed and may still exist for some, but I do feel that it will slowly come to an end. It's valued in many cultures and in some people are imprisoned or punished if they aren't monogamous. But why is there such a desire for both men and women to act on their sexual desires without much regard for the consequence? Of course there's the feelings of guilt and the worry that you'll be caught, but the adventure and desire overrides those feelings for both men and women.
How many of you have cheated or thought of cheating? How many of you have even emotionally cheated? When I say monogamy doesn't exist, I don't mean this in strictly a sexual way, I mean it both sexually and emotionally. If a man is married and starts seeing a woman, taking her to dinner, taking her on trips, sleeping in the same bed but never doing anything sexual (not even kiss) wouldn't you consider that cheating? Most people would say YES.
It's very difficult for us to be monogamous. And even more so in the gay community. Why more so in the gay community? Because we're MEN and we're driven by our libido's. And on top of that we're surrounded by all MEN! This complicates things much further for those seaking sexual monogamy. As stated by doctors and professionals in this article, men are much more sexual than women: http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare
The heterosexual community seems to try much harder at being monogamous but it's only a matter of time before a married couple will experience their first infidelity. Yes, the older generation may not seek to have sexual experiences outside of their marriage but I believe that's a matter of "availability" and "ability." A lot of older men would love to be with younger women, but how many younger women are going to get with an older man? And if they do, will the older man even be able to perform?
The gay community also has many couples (like myself) that have try/tried hard to be monogamous but I have to admit that I do not know ONE long term couple that has been completely sexually monogamous and emotionally monogamous. The older couples usually have some arrangement in which they get to have sex outside their partnership/marriage or sex with others together. I still don't know one older gay couple that have been completely sexually monogamous to each other throughout their entire relationship.
And if you don't believe what I'm saying why don't you take a look at this recent article in TIME magazine: http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/01/25/does-monogamy-even-exist-anymore-not-for-young-people/ . The trend is growing. It's only a matter of time before not only the action, but the word doesn't exist.
Let me also state that location is a variable. A couple living in the backwoods of North Dakota are much less likely to have infidelities than a couple living in New York City. Why? Availability and temptations are less. You need to have those variables in there. While location is a variable, location does not change desire.
Let me also state that location is a variable. A couple living in the backwoods of North Dakota are much less likely to have infidelities than a couple living in New York City. Why? Availability and temptations are less. You need to have those variables in there. While location is a variable, location does not change desire.
Now don't get me wrong, I do believe in short-term monogamy. I believe that couples in a relationship for a few years, could in fact remain monogamous for the time being. Let me reiterate that when I say it doesn't exist, I mean it doesn't in the long-term sense. Youth today are much more sexually promiscuous than they were years ago. Why? I believe a lot of that has to do with media. For example, after watching the show "Skins" I can see why a lot of young kids think it's okay to have many sexual partners. It's surprising to me the amount of sexual promiscuity that is shown on television today among young kids. Surprising but not completely shocking!
So prepare yourselves and understand, you will have partners, they may not be monogamous and/or you may not even want to be monogamous. Learn to think outside the box and be more realistic about your long term relationships. If you believe you can be completely faithful your entire life, please let me know if you feel the same way twenty years down the road.
-Chris Ryan
16 comments:
Powerful. Upsetting, but usually the truth is.
Check out "Sex at Dawn" which Dan Savage highly recommends. It explains the history of sexuality and how monogamy is a relatively recently imposed status.
http://domesticdelirium.tumblr.com/ Scroll down to In-Tuh-Muh-See. I'll piggy back off of your Monogamy one and integrate a bit of THAT.
Chris - What does your current bf think of your views on monogamy? Are you guys in an open relationship or do you discuss how it may be splitsville for you two a few yrs down the road?
Living together, sharing expenses, "unions", etc. is easy. Committing emotionally and sexually to another person is not. Is monogamy possible forever? As you point out Chris, probably not. Long time couples should probably face that with some sort of flexibility. But giving up at or near the starting line with the excuse that men have stronger libidos strikes me as more regressive than progressive. What separates us from animals is our thinking ability and conscience. Anyone can commit to having a good friend with benefits. If we don't at least try for more than that what are we fighting for? Hospital visitation rights & tax cuts? I would hope gay marriage means more than that.
I believe is about commitment an understanding... specially when u love someone... yes love goes away after awhile... but is about having respect for that person you want to share your life with and YES we all fantasize with other people.. theres nothing wrong with that like you said we are humans... but its on each human being and on their own values to either cheat or not cheat... to either respect what they've had with that person or not... in my personal experience I've had a long term relationship and yes you still feel attracted to other people... but it was my decision wether I wanted to cheat on my exboyfriend and hurt him or not... at the end I didnt want him to do the same thing to me so I didn't... and maybe he did cheat on me like you said hahaha maybe I was just a fool but I the end I feel good I didn't do anything wrong.
I agree with Sergio. I think the idea that monogamy can't or won't exist gives people an out with commitment. Alot of us, myself included, have a fear of commitment. Monogamy may not exist because maybe we don't WANT it to exist. In the end it's a choice that we have.
AMEN. Thanks Chris.
I agree @Jeff. We don't act on all primitive desires because as you stated we are separate from animals in the sense that we do have a conscience and are able, at times, discipline ourselves and resist temptation. I don't like the word marriage. It's connected to the church and the church is the reason why the gay community has had to struggle for rights for so long.
Thanks @Sergio for the comment. Maybe we do in fact "self sabotage" and don't want monogamy. But then it further proves my point that monogamy does not exist.
Sergio you obviously don't know what you're talking about. Nobody would do what you did.
in that one you are right... monogamy for itself will not exits but it depends on each individual or couple if they want it to work or not... but back to my point it is hard... we all know that but if u commit with someone then really commit with that person... If that person does not satisfy your needs then is better to break up the relationship or... just talk about it... a lot of couples are cool with open relationships which theres nothing wrong with that if both sides agree on it... in my case I like commitment and in this community I know it will be hard to find someone with the same mentality... but like you said earlier... short term monogamy is one thing... what happens after 10 years? idk havent been there maybe u're right i'll get bored but if thats the case then I rather talk about it with the person i'm with... instead of hurting them for my own needs.
I was in a five year completely monogamous gay relationship. For five years, I didn't emotionally cheat or sexually cheat on my partner. I think it exists for some people. Does watching porn count as cheating? Is that straying? If I masturbate without my partner and think of another dude while doing it, is that cheating? I don't think monogamy is that hard...especially if you love the person your with.
Though, on a theoretical level, I don't believe monogamy is natural. I don't think we are supposed to be with the same person (sexually) for the rest of our lives. It's impossible to think so. I chose to be in a monogamous relationship. And I lived my life with those restrictions. I might not have agreed with them, but I loved the person enough to follow such a social standard.
I think the hardest thing is to come to terms with this realization. The realization that monogamy is not natural. When both you and your partner realize this, I think it's super difficult to figure out a way around it. We've been brought up in a heteronormative society that frowns upon multiple sexual partners, or threesomes, etc. The guilt, shame, and jealousy are all things that do exist in a passionate romantic relationship. And they are hard to avoid. How do you combat all of these feelings, especially when most of these feelings are instinctual? As instinctual as the desire to sleep with another person that is not your partner.
Guys, it's very simple, I don't belong to you, you don't belong to me. we can help each other out together? Yes.
In "The Marriage of Heaven & Hell" William Blake said something which speaks to the issue of 'gay marriage' and to monogamy in general: "to have the same law for the lion & the ox is oppression". Men being men, perhaps long-term, same-sex loving relationships between two men need to be defined in terms other than conjugal fidelity. Gore Vidal maintains the reason why he and his partner of fifty-plus years lasted until his partner's death a few years ago -- they met in a bathhouse in the 1950s -- is that they never slept together. They were each others' companion in everything else.
I had a professor a few years back who had recently married his long term partner at a beautiful sunset ceremony on the beach in P-town. He showed us all the pictures. They were in the process of having a child with a lesbian friend. Suffice it to say I was a little taken aback when a year later I found his profile on Manhunt. But in truth I was just naive.
After having produced a first son and heir, it was almost expected that 19th century British aristocrats, male and female, would take on extramarital lovers. They didn't call Winston Churchill's mother "Lady Randy" for nothing! Lady Randolph Churchill, one of the great beauties of her age (nee Jenny Jerome of Brooklyn Heights) counted King Edward VII among her many lovers.
But again recalling Blake, I don't think it's correct to say that Vidal's arrangement is indicative of all gay relationships. Just as with heterosexual marriages, there are some gay partners for who each other is quite enough, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. God knows I'm not one of them, but I certainly envy them.
Of course that may change as I get older. Blake also said "those who restrain their passions have passions which are easily restrained".
The author writes with a guilty conscience.
The last poster, posts with a cowardly conscience.
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